I’m {nearly} Rapture Ready!

So, I’m currently doing laundry with my upcoming travel dates in mind. I’m flying to Miami on the 21st for work and I’m fucking scared shitless. For the most part, it’s because I’ve never been to Miami…I hate the fucking sun, I hate beautiful weather, I hate bikinis, tanning, club music, hair gel and all the other things I now associate with Miami thanks to reality television programming. {is it too hot for combat boots in Miami…?}

But now, on top of this, I have to deal with flying on Doomsday…? Of all the places I want to die for my sins: LaGuardia Airport, in business class on an airplane {lord I hope…} and/or Miami Beach are not ranking up there on my Judgement Day top-3-places-to-kick-it list.

Up until yesterday I was completely oblivious {like any good Atheist} to any knowledge of The Rapture…in fact I was convinced it was a pretty fabulous band. But I had to book it to Victoria’s Secret to spend my free panty coupon {whoop whoop} and I hit up the Herald Square location AKA the crazy Jesus Freak VS…

There’s something extra disturbing about a bunch of End Of Days fanatics camped out in front of Alexandra Ambrosio’s cleavage wearing sandwich-boards that read “EARTHQUAKES ARE COMING MAY 21st!” but clearly it wasn’t a big enough deterrent to keep me away from free cotton drawers. I don’t usually pay attention to fanatics, perhaps it was their close proximity to titties that had my attention. Who are these people anyway? I don’t know my NY religious fanatics yet. I’m aware of the Mets fans…then there’s the Seventh Day Adventists, the indigo children, the crystal children, the 2012 speculators. I thought we were all good until 2012? I guess I was wrong. 

So I’m flying to Miami for the end of the world. I guess the worst case scenario is my impending death & doom, followed {closely} by the knowledge that I may actually need to break down and buy a pair of flip-flops while I’m there. In Miami, not Hell. Naturally.