Again I feel very trapped by my surroundings. I’m across the universe and want to explore, but I’m tied to this city financially. I don’t have the luxury to travel, but I’m so close to escaping. I want to runaway from London, to go to Wales and stand in the places of all of my father’s family photos. I’m so close to Scotland, to these relatives of my mother’s I will never meet. Every time I come close, my mother will tell me to visit. Go home to these people I’ve never met. Maybe next time. Next time I come here will be the time that I see the world, this time is about money. When I see it from her perspective, it’s obvious; go visit. My family may never come here. It’s like I have crossed this chasm and on this side I am within a couple hours travel of all of my family’s history. But to me…it’s rent. Rent in New York. Simultaneously rent in London. A flight here. One to Paris. One to LGA. A week of groceries. 3 months of prescription drugs. My over-due credit card bill. Some black cotton shit H&M dresses and that money is gone again. Maybe next time, luv.